Comments on: DIFFICULT PEOPLE http://www.pgpmediation.com/2009/08/14/difficult-people/ Thu, 19 May 2011 01:21:52 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: alecwisner http://www.pgpmediation.com/2009/08/14/difficult-people/comment-page-1/#comment-1654 alecwisner Sat, 15 Aug 2009 05:12:49 +0000 http://www.pgpmediation.com/?p=807#comment-1654 I think that Tip #5 has proven to be the most important for me. I have discovered that the biggest chip on the shoulder of many parties as they walk into the mediation is that they are furious that they haven't been listened to, much less taken seriously. From their point of view, this has usually gone on from the outset of the conflict and been reinforced every step of the way. It is not unusual to discover that a party doesn't even think his/her attorney really "gets it." Such people walk into the mediation process with huge axes to grind and a predisposition do distrust everytihing about the legal system. In these cases, it seems so obvious that early validation can work magic. For me, that usually involves at least two steps. One thing I always do is make it clear that I am willing to accept, as true, EVERYTHING that each person tells me during mediation, and will ask questions when I don't understand something. Then, of course, I explain that I am still a neutral and will give every party to the conflict the same privilege. Then, typically later on, I seize upon an opportunity, usually when a party engages in self-pity (i.e. "nobody thinks my opinion is worth anything). At that point, I try to validate and normalize. I explain that everybody is entitled to their opinion and to the right to have that opinion heard in the safe environment of a mediation; if nothing else, I want to hear the opinion. I also point out that this party ought to be willing to listen to the opposing opinions openly, if he/she expects reciprocity. These may seem like small steps, and they usually don't occur in anything like the organized manner in which I'm outlining them, but they have been key ice breakers in many very emotional cases. Alec Wisner www.wisnermediation.com I think that Tip #5 has proven to be the most important for me. I have discovered that the biggest chip on the shoulder of many parties as they walk into the mediation is that they are furious that they haven’t been listened to, much less taken seriously. From their point of view, this has usually gone on from the outset of the conflict and been reinforced every step of the way. It is not unusual to discover that a party doesn’t even think his/her attorney really “gets it.” Such people walk into the mediation process with huge axes to grind and a predisposition do distrust everytihing about the legal system.

In these cases, it seems so obvious that early validation can work magic. For me, that usually involves at least two steps. One thing I always do is make it clear that I am willing to accept, as true, EVERYTHING that each person tells me during mediation, and will ask questions when I don’t understand something. Then, of course, I explain that I am still a neutral and will give every party to the conflict the same privilege. Then, typically later on, I seize upon an opportunity, usually when a party engages in self-pity (i.e. “nobody thinks my opinion is worth anything). At that point, I try to validate and normalize. I explain that everybody is entitled to their opinion and to the right to have that opinion heard in the safe environment of a mediation; if nothing else, I want to hear the opinion. I also point out that this party ought to be willing to listen to the opposing opinions openly, if he/she expects reciprocity.

These may seem like small steps, and they usually don’t occur in anything like the organized manner in which I’m outlining them, but they have been key ice breakers in many very emotional cases.

Alec Wisner
http://www.wisnermediation.com

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