Last Saturday, November 4, 2006, I had the delightful experience of attending the Southern California Mediation Association’s annual conference and listening to Daniel Shapiro speak on using emotions as you negotiate. Together with Roger Fischer (who co-authored Getting to Yes), Mr. Shapiro has written Beyond Reason  which addresses this topic. This book is easy reading and full of insights. I heartily recommend it.
 

      One of the points Mr. Shapiro brought out in his keynote address struck a chord with me as I have seen its effect in many mediations: expressing appreciation of and to your adversary. Each of us want to feel appreciated, even our adversaries. Expressing such appreciation greatly helps in overcoming the obstacles to resolution.
 

      But. . . how does one express such appreciation? Messrs. Shapiro and Fischer provide three guideposts: (1) Understand the other person’s point of view; (2) Find merit in the other person’s point of view (which does not necessarily mean agreeing with it); and (3) Communicating your understanding to the other person through words and actions. (Beyond Reason, supra at pp. 25-51).
       

      In simple terms; first, put yourself in the shoes of the other person. Look at the issue from her perspective. Pretend the roles are reversed and you are the other person. What then do you see, feel, believe or think about the issue? In short, figure out where the other person is coming from.
 

      Next, (and only if you can sincerely do this), acknowledge to the other person that her perspective has merit. This does not require or mean that you must agree with or are agreeing with this other perspective, but simply that you can see some validity or merit to the points she raises.   
 

      Third, let the other person know that you understand her point of view and find some merit to it. Again, you can make such an acknowledgement without having to agree with her point of view. There is a difference between acknowledgment and agreement.
       

      By employing these three guideposts, you express your appreciation to and of the other person. Like a simple “thank you,” these small actions will go a long way toward resolving a dispute.
 

      . . . Just another of life’s lessons to think about.  

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 7th, 2006 at 2:39 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.