One of the topics I cover in my mediation classes is the different styles or models of mediation, one of which is evaluative mediation.
In the evaluative mediation model, the mediator aims to help the parties reach a resolution. To do this, she “… assumes that the participants want and need the mediator to provide some direction as to the appropriate grounds for settlement… She also assumes that “the mediator is qualified to give such direction based on her experience, training and objectivity.” “(Waldman, Ellen, ed. Mediation Ethics: Cases and Commentaries (Jossey-Bass, San Francisco, Ca. 2011) at p.20 and fn 22.) To help settle the dispute, the mediator will feel free to offer her opinion on proposed options for settlement based on her own experiences and assessments of the situation at hand. (Id.) These mediators believe that the parties can make their best decisions only by being fully informed of their options, good and bad. And the mediator is the one to provide that information. (Id.)
A recent article in the Wellness newsletter of The New York Times questions whether it is wise to offer such free-wheeling advice, especially when not sought. In “Before You Offer Advice, Ask This Question,” author Janice Dunn (Updated August 9, 2025) notes that offering unsolicited advice can make one feel “… powerful, helpful and even generous. But unsolicited advice can backfire….” (Id.)
Like the evaluative mediator, when we offer advice, we base it on our own experiences (an implicit bias on our part!). While our insights may be relevant, we must ask whether they apply to the other person. (Id.)
As noted above, unsolicited advice can backfire by harming a relationship. It may seem self-serving and thus be ignored (Id.) If someone does indeed ask for advice, they are more likely to find it valuable (Id.)
So… before offering advice, ask, “Do you want my advice?” If the answer is “yes,” the listener will listen and pay attention to what you say. They made the choice, and they feel empowered! And hopefully less resistant to what you have to say! (Id.)
When I teach mediation, I note that even though the parties may want an evaluative mediator, one should still ask them whether they want your opinion before providing it. Don’t just give it; ask first. Psychologically, asking this simple question does wonders by giving them agency and allowing them to be more receptive to what you have to say, even if it is not good news!
… Just something to think about.
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