In my last blog, I noted that getting into a conflict is like getting stuck in the La  Brea Tar Pits-one wades into the conflict (or the asphalt of the Tar Pits) and slowly sinks further and further into it. Suddenly, you find yourself stuck. Others perhaps try to come to your aid but alas, as they step into the morass of the conflict (or asphalt), they, too, get stuck and sucked in. ( Ripley, Amanda, High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We  Get Out, Simon &Schuster Paperbacks, New York, NY, 2021) at 26-27).

One way to get unstuck is “contact theory”. In most conflict situations, the enemy lines are drawn: “us vs them”. It is a binary way of thinking: we are the “good guys” and they are the “bad guys”. Contact theory suggests that we rid ourselves of this binary thinking and “…recategorize one another by spending time together under certain conditions.” (Id. a 178.)  Those conditions include that everyone involved “… have roughly equal status.’ (Id. at 181.) Second,”…it helps if some kind of respected authority supports the get-together.” (Id. at 182.) Third,” it’s ideal if people don’t just talk but actually work together on some common problem. This triggers our instincts for cooperation rather than competition.” (Id. a 182.) Finally, everyone who is there should want to be there. (Id.)

With these conditions in mind, people then sit down and actually speak with one another, using active listening and reframing techniques and asking questions to find out what everyone’s “understory” is; what or who is their why?  “What do you care about that is bigger than this conflict?” (Id. at 185.) Curiosity is a key element here; It is a prerequisite to change! (Id. at 244.)

Once people get to know each other, their relationships will change. Once we see the other as a multidimensional human being with some of the same wants and fears as we have, it will be difficult for us to continue to characterize them in a binary fashion as “them.” Building a relationship with them will make it more difficult to “dismiss and dehumanize “ them. Inevitably, it will get us out of or keep us out of the Tar Pit! (Id. at 179.)

An example of how “contact theory” works is the Difficult Conversation Lab at Columbia University. (Id. at 243-6.).  There, “researchers … pair up strangers who disagree on hot-button issues…. They put them in a room together and let them  argue about a controversy for about twenty minutes while being recorded.” (Id. at 243.)

Sometimes, it goes well; sometimes, it does not. But the researchers found that at times, curiosity takes over, and the participants ask questions in an effort to get to know each other. As a result, they begin to experience positive emotions and show some humor and understanding.  The more questions each asks of the other, the more they learn the understory of the other. More importantly, they learn that the other is a human, like them; that there is no “us” vs “them”; there is only “us.”( attributable to Ken Cloke!)    And with it comes the ability to get unstuck and out of the Tar Pits.

… Just something to think about.

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