Apologies are hard. Many folks have a really hard time saying, “I am sorry.”  Instead, they sort of apologize  by saying something like “I am sorry it happened to you”  or “I am sorry you feel that way”  or just “Sorry.”  What most folks do not realize is that these “sort of” apologies are worse than not apologizing at all.

I bring  this up because the New York Times  recently published a concise article on how to apologize properly in its Well section. Entitled “How To Apologize Like You Mean It,” the author Jancee Dunn (published February 16, 2024; updated-Feb. 27, 2024) notes that according to Lisa Leopold, a researcher who studies apologies,  apologies are hard because we  are admitting our own failings which requires a lot of humility.  (Id. at 1.)

She notes that “…a meta-analysis of 175 studies found that apologies, did, indeed, influence forgiveness.” (Id.) And further, other studies show that apologizing is good for the apologizer as it will reduce guilt, self-compassion and strengthen the relationship. (Id.)

But as noted above, an apology has to be carefully orchestrated. It has certain elements that must be present for it to be effective.  They  include expressing regret, explaining but keeping it brief; acknowledging any harm you caused, saying that you will try not do it again ,offering to recompense or repair as necessary and asking for forgiveness. (Id. at 2-5.)

The essence of the apology should be focusing on the other person, not yourself.

Express Regret:  Simply say “I am sorry” or “I  apologize.”   To say “I want to apologize” or “I would like to apologize” is not the same thing and not as effective. (Id. at 2.)

Explain Briefly:  You can explain why you did it but keep it brief as you do not want it to appear as a justification or as an excuse. You want to keep it sincere and short. (Id.)

You do not want it to be conditional such as “I apologize for the delay BUT I had multiple deadlines to keep.’ Or “IF I offended you, I am sorry.” (Id.) The  use of “but”  or “If” weakens the apology and makes it seem as if you are dodging responsibility or, perhaps there were no victims and thus nothing to apologize for or no one to apologize to.  (Id.)

Acknowledge the Harm:  Take responsibility for your action or inaction. Again, do not justify by stating that you did not mean any harm. (Focus on the other person, not yourself!) “… [C]onvey exactly how your actions have affected or hurt the other person.” (Id. at 3.)

Say you will try not to do it again: It is critical that you convey to the other person that you will do your best not to repeat this offense. Stating this will build trust and confidence and addresses the nagging doubt that the other person may have that this may not be a one-time event. (Id. at 3.)

Offer to repair: To the extent that your offense caused damage, offer to repair it or to recompense the other person for the damage that you caused.  For example, if you spill something on someone’s clothing, do not simply think, “Oh well, the damage is done, I am moving on.”  Rather, offer to pay for the dry cleaning etc. Or, if it is something that cannot be paid with some tangible item, offer something intangible.  There will always be a way to make up for what you did. (Id. at 3.)

Ask for Forgiveness: Gently ask for forgiveness. For example, “How can we get back to where we were before this happened?” (Id. at 4.) This invites the other person into beginning to trust you again and to repair the relationship. (Id.)  But make it clear that you seek forgiveness not for your own sake (i.e., to feel better about yourself) but because you care about the other person. (Id.at 4.)

In sum- when apologizing, make it all about the other person, and not about yourself!

…Just something to think about.

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