I opened the Science section of the New York Times last week to find an article about the value of mediation when siblings cannot agree on the next care steps for their elderly parents. Entitled “When Families Fight Over a Relative With Dementia, It’s Time to Call in the Mediator.,” written by Paula Span (May 13, 2024), it starts with a very familiar problem.  One parent can no longer care for the other who should be in assisted living, but the parent refuses to take that next step, and the children do not know what to do. They are concerned for the safety of both parents living alone in the house but cannot convince the one parent to agree that assisted living is best for the spouse.

Call in the mediator. There is a growing field of elder care mediators who use integrative techniques to help the children and the parents reach a win-win solution that meets everyone’s needs and interests.

The article notes that the mediation—like all mediation—is confidential, which could be crucial to the family members as they are embarrassed to be in such a situation. And, like most mediations, the session could take anywhere from 90 minutes to three hours to days. (Id.) The goal of the mediator is to listen to each party to understand their perspective but, importantly, to have each understand the perspective of the others and based on that, reach a compromise that everyone can live with.

The article notes that mediators are neutral and are there “… to help the parties reach consensus themselves, centered  on the older adult’s needs and wishes.” (Id.)

Family issues can be stressful. An excellent benefit of mediation is that it helps the family avoid the added stress, time, and expense of litigation. As the article notes, “… litigation takes months or even years, and costs run to tens of thousands of dollars.”  (Id.)  The article does not point out that with litigation, it is a third party- a judge- deciding or, more likely- thrusting a decision onto the parties. No doubt- family members do not want a third party- an outsider- telling them what to do. But that is precisely what happens in litigation. At least in mediation, the family members will have control over the outcome!

The article notes that for mediation to work, the family members (like any party to any dispute) must be present and try in good faith to reach a resolution. Importantly, the elder members need not necessarily have “legal” capacity as long as they can understand what is going on—the issues, the parties, the process of mediation—appreciate any decisions that may be made with their attendant consequences, and be able to communicate their wishes and needs.

While this article concentrates on the benefits of elder mediation, its points apply to mediation in general and to any sort of dispute. To me, the most important aspects of mediation are that it is confidential and the parties remain in control of the problem and its resolution. They do not have a stranger telling them what to do!

… Just something to think about.

 

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