A few weeks ago, I posted a blog on the importance of the words we use during a mediation or any negotiation. For example, rather than using labels “the other side” or “Plaintiff” or “defendant”, we should use the actual names of the people involved.
As chance would have it, the New York Times in its Well section (November 30, 2023) posted an article by Jancee Dunn about “Fighting Words to avoid”. Although the article was written in the context of couples “fighting “ with each other, its points are well taken for any negotiation.
For example, in a dispute, how many times has a party denied making a statement or commitment by stating “ I never said that!” The response becomes a “he said/she said” – was it said or not- and the idea of moving forward in the substance of the discussion is totally tossed aside and lost.
And then there are the absolute statements” “You always…” or “You never…” Again, I have heard this a few times in a mediation with regards to opposing counsel. Luckily, when said to me as the mediator I do not get defensive- I just take it with a grain of salt. But, if said directly to the other side, the defenses go up and again the idea of trying to resolve the matter goes out the window. And as we all know, nothing but nothing is absolute in life. Yet, the parties will waste time in trying to prove the accuracy or inaccuracy of such a statement.
And then there is my favorite: “Yes, but….”. Long ago, I learned the better phrasing is “yes, and…” To say, “yes, but…” is dismissive and again, will insult the other party leading to a discussion about the insult and away from the substantive topic at hand.
Or, again, I have heard versions of this one: “You’re overreacting” or, “it’s not that big of a deal.” Once in a while, one side or the other will tell me that the other side is overreacting or it’s no big deal; what happened was not as bad as the other party makes it out to be. As the article notes, it is all a matter of perception, and one party does not get to decide how another party perceives an event or reacts to it. We all have different life experiences and bring those with us into any dispute. The other party does not have the privilege or honor of dismissing or belittling how the other party perceives an event.
Quite aptly and as I have learned as a mediator, the response should be one of curiosity: “Tell me more about it” or “help me understand why you feel/believe that” or “help me understand why it is so important to you” et. cetera.
Similarly, when a mediation gets intense, I know better than to tell someone to “calm down.” If anything, this statement gets the party more upset. Rather, it is wiser to simply take a break, suggest a walk around the block or some deep breathing.
As noted previously, words do matter. Use them wisely and think before speaking.
… Just something to think about.
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