The New York Times Opinion published a guest essay entitled “The Dark Side of Empathy” on May 4, 2025. While it has a political slant, it raises the question of whether empathy is being used as a tactic.

As background,  and as I noted in a blog last year, there are several kinds of empathy:

I always thought that empathy was empathy. That is “…the ability to emotionally understand what other people feel, see things from their point of view, and imagine yourself in their place. Essentially, it is putting yourself in someone else’s position and feeling what they are feeling” (“What is Empathy” by Kendra Chery, MSEd February 23, 2023)

I was mistaken. I learned in an online seminar last week that there are different types of empathy:  cognitive, emotional, and compassionate.

In an article written by Jodi Clarke, Ma, LPC/MHSP (March 1, 2023)  entitled “ Emotional Empathy,” the author defines Cognitive Empathy as “knowing how other people think and feel.” (Id at 1.) :

   Cognitive empathy means that you can understand another person’s perspective. It is also referred to as perspective-taking or putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. (Id. at 2.)

An example is how you might understand how a friend feels when she finds out she did not get the job. Taking her perspective, you can understand her hurt and disappointment. (Id.)

Emotional Empathy “… involves feeling another person’s emotions.” (Id. at 1).  You are sharing that person’s emotional experience so that if they are crying, “… you might begin to feel sad.” (Id. at 2.) Researchers identify three aspects of emotional empathy:

    • Feeling the same emotion as the other person
    • Feeling our own distress in response to their pain
    • Feeling compassion toward the other person. (Id. at 3.)

The article notes that people with emotional empathy are more likely to try to help the person in need. (Id.)

The author gives this simple but vivid example of the difference between Cognitive and Emotional Empathy:

Imagine if someone were to say, “My grandmother just died and we were really close,” and then they start to cry. Here is how a person might respond using the two different types of empathy:

    • Cognitive empathy response: “I’m sorry. I know you are sad and that what you are going through is hard.”
    • Emotional empathy response: “I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. I know you miss her. I’m here for you.” (This response may be accompanied by becoming tearful or expressing sadness.) (Id. at 4.)

 

And then there is Compassionate Empathy. It “… refers to having sympathy or compassion for another person and their circumstances.” (Id. at 4.) Thus, not only do you “… understand a person’s situation but also seek to improve it so they have a better life. “ (Id. at 5.) You take a real interest in their well-being and do whatever you can to improve their lot in life.   According to the author, of the three types of empathy, this type is the most desirable. (Id.)

Of note, empathy appears to be genetic. (Id.at 6-7). And, as you might guess, women tend to be more emotionally attuned than men, picking up on emotional cues more accurately than men and more accurately discerning emotions. (Id.)

At the same time, we can learn empathy. Research has shown that while empathy is largely genetic, social learning can play a role. (Id. at 7-8).

The New  York Times essay ties empathy to ethics:

Empathy that connects, that builds, that heals requires a code of ethics. It requires restraint. It requires trust. It asks the empathizer not just to understand others but also to honor what that understanding unlocks. When empathy becomes unmoored from ethics, it becomes coercion with a smile.(Id.)

…Empathy without accountability is hollow and deceptive. It lulls people into false security. And it fractures the very trust it pretends to build. (Id.)

 This makes me wonder whether parties in mediation or in disputes in general have used empathy simply as a negotiation tool, and thus unethically. Has a party used it solely to gain the trust of both the other parties in the dispute and the mediator?

Needless to say, I have never considered empathy as a negotiation tactic but as something genuine and authentic. This guest essay sheds a new light on it and will make me think twice the next time a party expresses empathy: Is it genuine or used to gain leverage?

…. Just something to think about.

 

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